


Weak

by NaniKey



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Depression, He deserves the love, Inner Dialogue, Inspired by Snooping Through Memory Lane, Inspired by the_fickle_mind_of_a_christmas_light, My thoughts on what he was thinking performing Victors routine, One Shot, Pining, Sad with a Happy Ending, Self Confidence Issues, She mah friend, Suicidal Thoughts, Yuuri is a sad baby
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-17
Updated: 2016-12-17
Packaged: 2018-09-09 07:06:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8880598
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NaniKey/pseuds/NaniKey
Summary: Yuuri feels weak, but performing Victors routine helps him to see he's only weak when he's not himself. Pre-Victor (First episode) Inspired by a friends fic, and the song Weak by AJR





	

The fresh air ought to be enough to clear his mind, Yuuri thought as he laced up his skates. He walked out to the edge of the ice and took a deep breath. Already the apprehension and fear of it were taking that breath away as he thought about the Grand Prix. 

Memories of that awful performance he made at the Grad Prix made his eyes burn and his throat choke up. But he'd already cried for it, and there was no going back this time. Having the young Russian skater bust down his stall door after the final score was announced was enough to scare him away from tears, anyways. Instead, he decided he'd just not go back, which always led to the question of what he would do with his life when he only had a passion for the ice. Ice Castle was the only rink he could fully relax in, and so it became his only stress reliever. Not even food, which once soothed some of how he felt, only made him feel worse. He put on so much weight trying to eat his feelings, make the listless feeling of what was possibly depression just go away. Sleep only made his family worry when they'd call him and he wouldn't answer. Self-harm was out of the question, he was too afraid of pain. Sometimes he'd wander out to the bridge, and look into the dark swirling water below. He wonder what it would feel like to have the wind snatch his voice from him as he fell, only for the water to pull him away in some dark lullaby to a never ending sleep. He could still do it. 

Yuuri shook his head, trying not to think about. He glanced up at Yuuko, who gave him a thumbs up from the counter. With a shuddering sigh, he skated out to the middle of the ice, the only sound being the grind of his skates against the ice. 

With a deep sigh, he let his body move. He felt broken but on the ice, dancing to a routine that didn't belong to him he felt like nothing could take him down. Something inside him laughed at how his idol was his answer to stress. But it was smothered by the powerful feeling the music gave him, and he was swept into the first quadruple lutz. The feeling of his skates hitting the ice again, and his balance staying strong gave him some extra confidence. He felt his body thrum in time with the music, and the rhythm as he slid across the ice with all the grace of the Russian champion himself.

He felt so weak most of the time, but why? What was it about skating that gave him so much strength, even when he was bad at it? It was one of the most frustrating feeling he'd ever felt, hating something he loved. He hoped that skating this would help him fall in love with skating again.  
He presses hard into the ice, his inner struggle invisible as he picks up speed into a quadruple flip. His body, although in reality was heavy, felt lighter than a feather as he moved in both powerful and beautiful movements. 

That was something he could never do on his own, he mused. Be beautiful. He was nothing like Victor; where he was tall and powerful Yuuri was of average height and a nervous mess. Victor had confidence and he was only confident when he was eating. It hurt. It hurt so badly he wanted nothing more than to go back to that bridge. He felt like a waste of space. He'd failed at the finals and he was failing now. Why couldn't he be strong? 

He produces another quad and lifted one skate off the ground into a combination spin. It wasn't his style, but it was how Victor had done it. He wanted to be talented like him, he wanted his confidence. He wanted him. 

He resisted a blush as he skated with one leg outstretched. Where had thoughts like that come from? Sure he admired Victor, but when had it gone from more than admiration? Most likely when he skated with Victor and watching him in person rather than on a screen.

His step sequence was flawless, just like Victors and heat rose from his chest, warming his body as he felt another wave of feeling wash over him into the flying sit spin.  
His thoughts took a turn, though. If he were to skate his own programs he would surely fail again. He knew that in this state, there was no way he could ever compete on the same ice as Victor. It made his heart burn, as the music's power faded just a little. He was weak, underneath this guise. He wasn't Victor Nikiforov, he was just Yuuri Katsuki and when the skate ended, he would still be weak.

He paused on the ice.

Wasn't he skating to get away from these thoughts? He skated to get away from the world, not invite it into his head. He tried to shake it off, but if he didn't do it into he knew he would mess up the next quad. 

His thoughts silenced themselves again when the music hit him and he jumped, the quadruple salchow coming out perfectly. He felt bitter that he could never produce a salchow when he was practicing, but when he pretended to be someone else it was fine. 

He felt graceful and beautiful again, the 3 flips he produced and followed up into a complex footwork design making his heart race. He was all motion and flow, his thoughts paused long enough for him to feel the part. The triple lutz came easily, and the movements felt natural. His emotions were tearing him to pieces and he didn't know how to function with so much emotion ripping through him. 

Why was he skating? Did he skate to please people? Or did he do it for himself? What was it for?

He did a triple flip and had to smile a little watching Yuuko's face light up. He felt proud that he could amaze her a little. But that's not why he skated, was it? 

One quadruple toe loop, followed by a triple toe loop.

He skated for himself. And that was as good a reason, wasn't it? When he skated for other people he felt weak and silly. Because he couldn't meet their expectations. But he could meet his own. In these moments when he skated for himself, he felt free. When he skated routines that were difficult and out of his league he failed. So what did that mean? Did being happy with himself make him weak?

He performed the combination spin perfectly, not even thinking about it, though. 

Was it weak to skate his own way? If that was the case... didn't that make it ok? To be weak. 

As he fell into the last bit of the routine, arms poised above him in the finishing pose, he realized something. I'm weak, and there's nothing wrong with that.

"That was SO cool! A perfect copy of Victor! Awesome!" Yuuko was damn near crying with enthusiasm. Yuuri blinked with some surprise, his mind completely cleared now.  
She fiddled with some of her hair, not looking at him directly when she said, " I thought you would have been depressed or something." 

Yuuri looked down at his feet and nodded slowly. 

"I was, but I got bored of feeling depressed so I got to thinking... I wanted to get my love for skating back."


End file.
